Tough Man
I’ve always viewed myself as being a tough man. Physically, mentally , and emotionally tough. When I was a junior in high school I shattered my kneecap in the first quarter first game of the season. I opted to stay at the game until it was over, was it painful? Very. As I walk through life I find myself working under mental pressure more and more. It has become easier now more than ever to perform under high levels of stress and short timelines. When I get into these type situations (every holiday here @ HT), I dig in deep and try to outperform my last efforts, and usually succeed. Working now at a church for over 2 years I have learned to be emotionally tough and not take anything personal, unless it makes me a better person. Situations that would typically cause me to blow up now just nudge my emotions for maybe a day. Things that would draw frustration out of me, I can now smile and take it as par. When friends or people frustrate me personally I find myself forgiving them quickly and leading the communication back to a great relationship. I am tougher now emotionally than ever before.
It’s funny how we can look at ourselves in the mirror and say “things are going really well” right on the heels of what we thought could have been our end. Just a little over a month ago I found myself begging for God to heal me while I lay on our couch with a severe sinus infection and monsterous ear infection. Just 3 months ago I was at the point of screaming. My mind was literally about to explode. I couldn’t figure life out. I couldn’t figure God out. I was mentally overdriving daily. Just this week my son has been pretty sick. Not anything serious long term, not any life threatening diseases, not even something that will last more than a week. He has a stomach virus and a double ear infection. With my knowledge of these type of illness’ I know he will get better soon. But as I listen to him moan in pain, watching him throw up so hard he can’t hardly cry, watching him sleep knowing he is about to wake right back up because he can’t breathe because his fluids are running like crazy, I found myself leaving the room because I could not hold myself together. I was crying, completely broken because I could do nothing to help my son. I know this will pass but even I as I type I am holding back tears.
So I ask myself this question, am I really a tough man. I would rather be broken physically, mentally, and emotionally than tough any day.
God loves it when we have no where else to turn but Him. It’s a shame it takes our tough”ness” to be broken down before we completely put our trust in God.
Psalm 34:18 The Message
If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.
Is it worth being kicked in the gut to find God, YOU BET IT IS!
Here’s my prayer today,
God, Break my heart for what breaks Yours, Everything I am for Your kingdoms cause. Rid me of myself, I belong to You. Help me to find You in my brokeness. If I need a kick in the gut, do it. I always want to know You and walk beside You. I am not to tough, I am not even strong….I am only what You allow me to be. Guide my steps, lead my heart, keep me near to You. Amen.
